單身是大路 Single is a broad road;
結婚是死路 Marriage is a dead end;
分手是活路 Split is a free road.
你在哪條路？Which road are you in?😂😂😂
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Monday, March 25, 2019
Friday, September 21, 2018
😂😂Humor: A Husband's Wish 幽默：一位人夫的许愿
A husband makes his wish on his 60th birthday: "Dear God, please grant me a wife who is 30 years younger than me. " He's wish came true immediately——he turned into a 90 years old man.😂😂
一位人夫在60岁生日时许愿："亲爱的神，请您赐给我一个比我年轻30岁的老婆。" 他的愿望立即成真——他一下子变成90岁的男人。😂😂
一位人夫在60岁生日时许愿："亲爱的神，请您赐给我一个比我年轻30岁的老婆。" 他的愿望立即成真——他一下子变成90岁的男人。😂😂
Sunday, May 20, 2018
❤ 520 - A Day to Say I Love You 告白日
Today it's May 20. 520 sounds 我爱你(I ❤ you) in Chinese. People like to use 520 to joke around or express their love to someone nowadays.
There is a joke.
😒A boy sent a message to a wrong girl, 5201314 (我爱你一生一世 I love you forever). Girl replied with( 520 + 1314 )x 10. It means 18340 (一巴掌扇死你 slap you to death）.😲
There is a joke.
😒A boy sent a message to a wrong girl, 5201314 (我爱你一生一世 I love you forever). Girl replied with( 520 + 1314 )x 10. It means 18340 (一巴掌扇死你 slap you to death）.😲
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
😂Fortune Telling 算命
A lady asks a fortune teller her fortune in future. The fortune teller says:" You have an omen in your body (in Chinese 'xiong zhao 凶兆'). The lady misunderstands "xiong zhao" into bra 胸罩 that’s pronounced similar with 凶兆，then she asks:" What if I took off the bra?" The fortuneteller says:" You will still have two big balls in your life." (big bump in future)
big ball (大波）alludes to big breast in Chinese. 大波 sounds with 大坡（big bump, steep slope, difficulties) .😂😂😂
有位女子问算命先生她的命运。算命先生说：“你身上有个凶兆。”女子误解为胸罩，说：“那，我把胸罩拿掉呢？”算命先生说：“你还会有两个大坡。”😂😂😂
big ball (大波）alludes to big breast in Chinese. 大波 sounds with 大坡（big bump, steep slope, difficulties) .😂😂😂
有位女子问算命先生她的命运。算命先生说：“你身上有个凶兆。”女子误解为胸罩，说：“那，我把胸罩拿掉呢？”算命先生说：“你还会有两个大坡。”😂😂😂
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
😂😂😂I've missed two bus stops 我都错过两站了
American joke:
A mom is trying to breastfeed her baby while riding a bus, but her baby doesn't want to. The mom threatens her baby, says:" If you don't want, I'm going to feed the uncle in the front seat." The naughty baby still ignores her mom. A while later, the man in the front seat says:" Baby, please say yes or no, I've missed two bus stops already."😂😂😂😂😂
美国笑话：一位妈妈抱着她的宝宝坐公车，边坐边喂奶，宝宝不肯吃，妈妈就威胁宝宝说：“你还不吃，我就给前座的叔叔吃了。” 宝宝还是贪玩不吃。过了一会，前面的乘客开口了：“宝宝，你开口说话呀，我都错过两站了。”😂😂😂😂😂
A mom is trying to breastfeed her baby while riding a bus, but her baby doesn't want to. The mom threatens her baby, says:" If you don't want, I'm going to feed the uncle in the front seat." The naughty baby still ignores her mom. A while later, the man in the front seat says:" Baby, please say yes or no, I've missed two bus stops already."😂😂😂😂😂
美国笑话：一位妈妈抱着她的宝宝坐公车，边坐边喂奶，宝宝不肯吃，妈妈就威胁宝宝说：“你还不吃，我就给前座的叔叔吃了。” 宝宝还是贪玩不吃。过了一会，前面的乘客开口了：“宝宝，你开口说话呀，我都错过两站了。”😂😂😂😂😂
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Learn A Word：Where Where 哪里哪里
Humility is regarded a kind of politeness in China, moreover, it's a tactic to avoid being assaulted. So, when you talk to the Chinese, you'll loss your sense sometimes. A popular joke can express this situation:
A foreigner talks to a guy, politely praising his wife is beautiful. This guy says, 哪里哪里（where where, in Chinese it means not at all for a humble attitude)。This foreigner looks this guy's wife from top to toes, replies: "anywhere".😂😜
哪里哪里 in Chinese means "It's not", is used as a humble attitude.😉
A foreigner talks to a guy, politely praising his wife is beautiful. This guy says, 哪里哪里（where where, in Chinese it means not at all for a humble attitude)。This foreigner looks this guy's wife from top to toes, replies: "anywhere".😂😜
哪里哪里 in Chinese means "It's not", is used as a humble attitude.😉
Monday, April 16, 2018
😂Humor: Medical Treatment 求医
俄罗斯笑话。有个人去求医说：“我明明听到自己不断放屁，但从来没闻到味道。不知道怎么回事。” 医生给他处方，病人离开。几天后，病人又去跟医生抱怨：“我现在闻到自己的屁很臭，但还是不停地放屁。”医生说：”上次治好了你的鼻子，这次要治你的重听了。“😂
Russia Humor
A guy sought for treatment from a doctor, said:"I obviously hear that I fart repeatedly, but I never smelled any. What's wrong?" The doctor gave him a prescription, the guy left. Few days later, the patient came back and complained:" I can smell my far that's very smelly, but I still hear my fart nonstop." The doctor said:" Last time I cured your nose problem, this time, let me cure your double hearing(diplacusis )."😂
Russia Humor
A guy sought for treatment from a doctor, said:"I obviously hear that I fart repeatedly, but I never smelled any. What's wrong?" The doctor gave him a prescription, the guy left. Few days later, the patient came back and complained:" I can smell my far that's very smelly, but I still hear my fart nonstop." The doctor said:" Last time I cured your nose problem, this time, let me cure your double hearing(diplacusis )."😂
Friday, April 13, 2018
😂Humor: Crime of Defamation and Disclosure 爆笑：诽谤罪和泄密罪
前苏联时期，有个苏联人骂其国家领导人勃列日涅夫是白痴，结果被判二罪：一是诽谤罪，二是泄密罪。😂😂😂
During the Soviet Union, there was a Soviet person who called his country leader Leonid Brezhnev a moron. Then, he was found guilty of two crimes: 1, Defamation. 2, Leaking state secret.😂😂😂
During the Soviet Union, there was a Soviet person who called his country leader Leonid Brezhnev a moron. Then, he was found guilty of two crimes: 1, Defamation. 2, Leaking state secret.😂😂😂
Saturday, March 31, 2018
😂😛💔Humor: Moonlight 幽默：月夜
妻子：“有人说，一个人在朦胧的月色中，容易做出傻事。你说有道理吗？” 丈夫：“是这样，我记得，我是在一个月色朦胧的晚上向你求的婚。”
Wife: They say, people are easy to make something stupid in the moonlight. Do you think it makes sense?
Husband: Exactly. I remember I proposed to you in a moonlight.😂😛💔
Wife: They say, people are easy to make something stupid in the moonlight. Do you think it makes sense?
Husband: Exactly. I remember I proposed to you in a moonlight.😂😛💔
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
😂😂😂Humor: My Notes Are Still Valid 幽默：我的条子还是有用的
某高官因贪腐入狱，儿子大学毕业，找不着工作，探监时诉苦。爸爸写了一字条儿，让儿子找他以前的下属帮忙。儿子问：人走茶凉，现在写条子，有用吗？爸爸说：我在台上的时候，想让谁当官，就让谁当，现在，我在监狱里，想让谁进来，谁就得进来，放心吧，儿子，我的条子还是照样有效！
A high-ranking official was imprisoned because of corruption. His son could not find a job after college graduation. He complained it to his father when visiting the prison. His father wrote a note and asked his son to find help from his former subordinates. The son doubted it and said: You didn't have that power and influence anymore, does it work? Dad said: When I was in charge of the office, I could promoted anyone I wanted. Now, although I'm in prison, but I could get anyone I want go into the prison. Don't worry, my son, my notes are still valid!
A high-ranking official was imprisoned because of corruption. His son could not find a job after college graduation. He complained it to his father when visiting the prison. His father wrote a note and asked his son to find help from his former subordinates. The son doubted it and said: You didn't have that power and influence anymore, does it work? Dad said: When I was in charge of the office, I could promoted anyone I wanted. Now, although I'm in prison, but I could get anyone I want go into the prison. Don't worry, my son, my notes are still valid!
Friday, March 23, 2018
😂😂😂Humor: Men at Age 20, 30, 40, 50,60 男人20,30,40,50,60岁
男人是品牌的集合体。20岁的男人是奔驰，30岁的男人是日立，40岁的男人是微软，50岁的男人是松下，60岁的男人是联想。
😂😂😂
Men are brand collections:
At age 20s, are Mercedes-Benz (奔驰，in Chinese means run fast and full of energy);
At age 30s, are Hitachi (日立, erecting daily);
At age 40s, are Microsoft (微软, micro-soft) ;
At age 50s, are Panasonic ( 松下，weak );
At age 60s, are Lenovo (联想，imagination) .
😂😂😂
Men are brand collections:
At age 20s, are Mercedes-Benz (奔驰，in Chinese means run fast and full of energy);
At age 30s, are Hitachi (日立, erecting daily);
At age 40s, are Microsoft (微软, micro-soft) ;
At age 50s, are Panasonic ( 松下，weak );
At age 60s, are Lenovo (联想，imagination) .
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
😂😂😂Humor: The Invoice 幽默：发票
😂一个内蒙古人到广州出差，在街头吃了一碟肠粉，要求开发票。老板问要怎么写，这人说：
“中华人民共和国内蒙古自治区乌兰察布市察哈尔右翼后旗乌兰哈达苏木那令格嘎查那令格村那令格二社村民委员会火山历史文化遗址申报联合国教育科学文化组织世界非物质文化遗产工作领导小组办公室主任乌力图.乌力吉吉尓格拉.巴彦尔太”！
老板说：“xxx，我识那么多字就不用在这卖肠粉啦！”
😂An Inner Mongolian traveled to Guangzhou on business and ate a plate of rice rolls at a food stand, requesting an invoice. The seller asked how to write, this guy said:
"Wu-li-tu Wu-li-ji-ji-er-ge-la Ba-yan-er-tai
Director of Work group of Declaring The Volcanic Historical and Cultural Sites for World Intangible Cultural Heritage of The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization
Villager Committee of Nalingge 2nd Village
Wulan-Ha-da-su-mu-na-ling-ge-ga-cha-na-ling-ge Village
Chahar Right Wing Rear Flag
Wulanchabu City
Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region
People's Republic of China"
The seller said : "Fxxx, if I knew so many words, I wouldn't have been selling the rice roll here!
“中华人民共和国内蒙古自治区乌兰察布市察哈尔右翼后旗乌兰哈达苏木那令格嘎查那令格村那令格二社村民委员会火山历史文化遗址申报联合国教育科学文化组织世界非物质文化遗产工作领导小组办公室主任乌力图.乌力吉吉尓格拉.巴彦尔太”！
老板说：“xxx，我识那么多字就不用在这卖肠粉啦！”
😂An Inner Mongolian traveled to Guangzhou on business and ate a plate of rice rolls at a food stand, requesting an invoice. The seller asked how to write, this guy said:
"Wu-li-tu Wu-li-ji-ji-er-ge-la Ba-yan-er-tai
Director of Work group of Declaring The Volcanic Historical and Cultural Sites for World Intangible Cultural Heritage of The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization
Villager Committee of Nalingge 2nd Village
Wulan-Ha-da-su-mu-na-ling-ge-ga-cha-na-ling-ge Village
Chahar Right Wing Rear Flag
Wulanchabu City
Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region
People's Republic of China"
The seller said : "Fxxx, if I knew so many words, I wouldn't have been selling the rice roll here!
Friday, March 16, 2018
😂Interesting Number Codes in Chinese 中文里的数字密码
😒A boy sent a message to a wrong girl, 5201314 (我爱你一生一世 I love you forever). Girl replied with( 520 + 1314 )x 10. It means 18340 (一巴掌扇死你 slap you to death）.😲
😂Numbers that pronounce similar to some Chinese words are substituted for other words is kind of popular recently, especially using in mobile phone message, just like 4u, me2, r u in English. For example:
520 = 我爱你 I love you
1314 = 一生一世 for life long
7456 = 气死我了 I'm so angry with
484 = 是不是 is it?
168 = 一路发 lucky
514 = 无意思 boring
53719 = 我深情依旧 I always love you
414 = 试一试 try
52406 = 我爱死你了 I love you very much
53550 = 我想吻吻你 I want to kiss you
282 = 饿不饿？
88 = 拜拜 bye
😂Numbers that pronounce similar to some Chinese words are substituted for other words is kind of popular recently, especially using in mobile phone message, just like 4u, me2, r u in English. For example:
520 = 我爱你 I love you
1314 = 一生一世 for life long
7456 = 气死我了 I'm so angry with
484 = 是不是 is it?
168 = 一路发 lucky
514 = 无意思 boring
53719 = 我深情依旧 I always love you
414 = 试一试 try
52406 = 我爱死你了 I love you very much
53550 = 我想吻吻你 I want to kiss you
282 = 饿不饿？
88 = 拜拜 bye
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
😂Humor: People, You Are Lying 人啊，都不讲实话
说股票是毒品的，都在玩。They say, stock is drug, but they are still obsessed with it.
说金钱是罪恶的，都在捞。They say, money is sinful, but they fish it up desperately.
说美女是祸水的，都想要。They say, beauty is disaster, but they want them all.
说高处不胜寒的，都在爬。They say, high place is too cold to stand (high profile/position is too tough for life), but they all want to go higher.
说烟酒伤身体的，就不戒。They say, cigarette and wine hurt your body, but they never quit.
说天堂最美好的，都不去。They say, heaven is wonderful, but they don't want to go.
说金钱是罪恶的，都在捞。They say, money is sinful, but they fish it up desperately.
说美女是祸水的，都想要。They say, beauty is disaster, but they want them all.
说高处不胜寒的，都在爬。They say, high place is too cold to stand (high profile/position is too tough for life), but they all want to go higher.
说烟酒伤身体的，就不戒。They say, cigarette and wine hurt your body, but they never quit.
说天堂最美好的，都不去。They say, heaven is wonderful, but they don't want to go.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
😂Humor: You are not VIP 笑话：你不是VIP
1、你不是VIP，甚至不是IP，你只是一个P！You are not VIP, even not an IP, you're only a P(屁 fart）.
2、一旦学会破罐子破摔，你会发现世界豁然开朗。Once you learned "don't care", you'll find your world is suddenly open.
3、生活将我们磨圆，是为了让我们滚得更远。Life is milling us into round form to make us roll farther.
4、就算我是一只癞蛤蟆(yucky low man)，我也坚决不娶母癞蛤蟆。Though I'm a toad, I won't marry a female toad.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣:lol:
2、一旦学会破罐子破摔，你会发现世界豁然开朗。Once you learned "don't care", you'll find your world is suddenly open.
3、生活将我们磨圆，是为了让我们滚得更远。Life is milling us into round form to make us roll farther.
4、就算我是一只癞蛤蟆(yucky low man)，我也坚决不娶母癞蛤蟆。Though I'm a toad, I won't marry a female toad.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣:lol:
Friday, December 25, 2015
Joke: Where is Santa from? 圣诞老人来自哪里？
Teacher: Where is Santa from? 圣诞老人来自哪里？
Student 1: From North Pole.来自北极。
Student 2: From the sky.来自天空。
Student 3: From the chimney.来自烟囱。
Student 4: From the shopping mall.来自购物中心。
Student 5: From China, because all the gifts he gives are made in China. 来自中国，因为他给的礼物都是中国制造。:lol:
Student 1: From North Pole.来自北极。
Student 2: From the sky.来自天空。
Student 3: From the chimney.来自烟囱。
Student 4: From the shopping mall.来自购物中心。
Student 5: From China, because all the gifts he gives are made in China. 来自中国，因为他给的礼物都是中国制造。:lol:
Jimmy Fallon's Joke: American Dream is made in China
A little surprising, new research showed that China has a bigger middle class than America and more people in China are living what we would call the American Dream. That's when you know things are bad when even the American Dream is made in China.
有点让人诧异的是，新的研究显示，中国的中产阶级数量超过美国，而且很多中国人生活在我们所说的美国梦里。那就是，当连美国梦也是中国制造时，你会觉得很不妥。
有点让人诧异的是，新的研究显示，中国的中产阶级数量超过美国，而且很多中国人生活在我们所说的美国梦里。那就是，当连美国梦也是中国制造时，你会觉得很不妥。
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Joke：Banana is not sex 买香蕉
一个老外到中国旅游，在街头看到水果摊卖香蕉，就走上前去，用不标准的中文问：“性交多少钱？” 卖香蕉的老妇横眉竖眼，叫：“俺不是鸡，俺不卖。” 老外觉得奇怪，说：“我吃素，不要鸡，我要性交。”老妇大叫：“来人啊，非礼啊。” 有个懂英语的大学生过来问怎么回事，才搞清楚，老外原来是要香蕉，不是要性交。
A foreigner travels to China, on the way he walks, a woman is selling banana on the sidewalk, he asks her the price using his foreign accent Chinese: "What's the price for xing jiao (sex). "
The woman slaps back :" I'm not a chicken ( Chinese call prostitute chicken), I don't sell any."
This foreign traveler confuses: " I'm a vegetarian, I'don't eat chicken. I only want xing jiao."
The panic woman yells:" Help, this guy sexual harasses me!"
A college student comes by and figures out the foreigner wants xiang jiao (banana), not xing jiao(sex).
P.S.:
Traveling in China, you need to make sure the price before you buy it, like: 多少钱一个，多少钱一斤，多少钱一包，多少钱一壶茶，don't be fooled by the tricky menu.
A news reported few days ago, a foreign customer had a dinner in a restaurant, a dish of shrimp was counted by every unit of shrimp, not by a dish, it costed more than a thousand (about $250) for one dish . The customer complained the restaurant and got the money back finally.
A foreigner travels to China, on the way he walks, a woman is selling banana on the sidewalk, he asks her the price using his foreign accent Chinese: "What's the price for xing jiao (sex). "
The woman slaps back :" I'm not a chicken ( Chinese call prostitute chicken), I don't sell any."
This foreign traveler confuses: " I'm a vegetarian, I'don't eat chicken. I only want xing jiao."
The panic woman yells:" Help, this guy sexual harasses me!"
A college student comes by and figures out the foreigner wants xiang jiao (banana), not xing jiao(sex).
P.S.:
Traveling in China, you need to make sure the price before you buy it, like: 多少钱一个，多少钱一斤，多少钱一包，多少钱一壶茶，don't be fooled by the tricky menu.
A news reported few days ago, a foreign customer had a dinner in a restaurant, a dish of shrimp was counted by every unit of shrimp, not by a dish, it costed more than a thousand (about $250) for one dish . The customer complained the restaurant and got the money back finally.